Sometime You Just Have Tell It Like It Is!

Over the week-end we had an interesting development with some dear friends. I won't go into the whole story, but basically, a few weeks ago they had admitted an error and said they would put it right. The closer it got to the deadline, the less likely they seemed to do that.

Aware that we wanted to maintain our friendship, our communications were polite but avoided any direct accusations. Both parties skirted around the issues, but as time went on, my partner and I realised we just weren't being taken seriously.

In the end we just had to be direct and say "We want our stuff back". It got an icy reception, but we got our stuff back. We feel it's a shame it had to come to that. Whether we maintain a realtionship and whether we want to maintain it, we will all discover in the coming weeks.

Clearly there are two sides to every situation and clearly they have a very different perspective of what happened. But really, they're using attack as the best form of defence, knowing that what they did is difficult to excuse. In their embarrassment, they are trying to transfer blame. It's a form of manipulation.

When people start this kind of behaviour, it's good to recognise it as early as possible.

Many things came out of this episode for me, but one of them is that the softly, softly approach doesn't work with some people. Sometimes you just have to come out and say it and avoid getting dragged into long drawn-out conversations where nobody gets to the point.

Of course it's not the same for everyone and you have to recognise where it's appropriate. But where you face a relatively simple situation and people start playing games and trying to manipulate the situation, the easiest thing to do is put a halt to it and be direct and to the point.

If that doesn't work, maybe you just have to decide whether it's worth getting drawn into further game-playing and ending up in a game of 'tit for tat' which can be very damaging.

In a way, this goes back to the comments I was making in a previous post about people taking responsibility for their actions. This couple admitted they had made a mistake and could have rectified it immediately. Instead of which we've had a few very upsetting weeks for us and, no doubt, for them.

Time will tell if the relationship will survive, but in these situations one has also to ask whether you want to be quite so close in future to people who behave in this way. I'm a great believer in foregiveness, but also need to protect myself or understand the 'nature of the beast' better.

If you're facing a conflict:

Be clear about the facts and what you want to happen

Don't get drawn into accusation and counter accusation or into game playing

Recognise the character you're dealing with and adapt your communication style accordingly

Although it's difficult when you don't want to upset someone, sometimes it's better to be direct

Know when to back off

Ask yourself "Is it worth it?" If it's really important, fight your corner, if it's not so vital, perhaps it's better to let it go