Who Do You Think You Are?

Are you being authentic in who you are or are you trying to be who and what you think you should be?

Too often we compare ourselves with others and think we should adopt the style and behaviours of people we see who are apparently admired and liked by others.

This is understandable but we could be missing a trick for three reasons:

1. It's difficult trying to be someone you're not and takes a lot of tie and unneccesary effort

2. You're withholding who you really are from yourself and others and depriving them of your own personality and gifts that only you have to offer and

3. Living in this way demonstrates that somewhere underneath is a lack of self-esteem or a feeling of not being good enough or deserving in some way.  

Does this sound familiar to you?   I know it will to a lot of people because I used to do the same myself and so many of us act and feel the same way.   But it doesn't have to be like that.

Hiding behind someone's persona who you admire is more common than you might think and in understandable.   But why try and be someone you are not?  

Start being honest with yourself and the world around you.   Be who you really are and see what happens.

Maybe you'll find people respond to you more warmly because they can see that you are being your true self and maybe you'll discover some things about yourself that you've been keeping secret for too long!

Stop being who you think you should be and just be the truly unique individual that you really are, no matter what anyone else thinks.   That's what makes a real difference in the world.

If you want to know more about feeling confident to be who you are contact me on annie@breathingspacetherapies.com or 0772 581 8884 to arrange a no-charge telephone session with me.

What Are You Afraid Of?

Many of us live our whole lives with fear and anxiety.  We worry about our children, we worry about our health, we worry about where our money is coming from and about the world in general.

All of this keeps us feeling stressed and unhappy and can lead us into playing the victim, which makes us feel out of control.

If you have some influence over the situation that worries you, then do do something about it to change it.   That way you are doing something positive and that puts you in a position of power and control.

If you don't have any control over the situation, what's the point in worrying about it?   You've survived so far and you'll keep on surviving.   Perhaps the one thing you CAN change is your attitude to what's going on.   If you choose to change that, maybe you'll get new insights which will help you make changes or help you accept the status quo without feeling defeated.

What's your number one fear?   Why not share it here and see what feedback you get?   It may help you find a solution.

Disagreements Don't Mean the End of a Relationship

I've been experiencing a few conflicts recently amongst family and friends, which have been particularly challenging.   I realise how easy it is for these things to get out of control and for everyone to get so stuck in their corner that it's hard to back down.

But what is the reason we become so upset with people?   It's usually because these people matter to us and we want them to behave in a certain way.   When they don't, we can become angry, upset and disappointed.   Sometimes, these feelings are justifiable if someone we care about does something which they know will be contrary to our own values.

As usual though, it's all about balance.   Even serious disagreements don't have to mean the end of a relationship.   If we can express our points of view and be willing to listen to another's point of view and if we are able to forgive people for being human and making mistakes, then the relationship can even become stronger in the wake of these upsets because:

1. You learn more about each other and perhaps can improve your communication
2. You learn more about yourself and how best to handle these situations.   Sometimes it's better to wait until you're calm to respond to certain situations and the outcome can be considerably more positive than when we respond in a knee-jerk reaction.
3. It may be possible for you to set some ground rules and mutual boundaries which will help your future relationship and avoid such conflicts in the future.
4. You may also have an opportunity to adjust your expectations of the other person for the future, which may perhaps be a more realistic assessment of where your relationship is with them.

So sure, if you're fed-up with someone, discuss it with them.   Few conflicts are resolved without dialogue of some kind.  But take your time to consider the real issue, how important this person is to you and what might have been the motivation behind their actions.

Often what appears to be a deliberate act of malicious behaviour or no more than a misunderstanding, a miscommunication or a different perspective.

If someone loves you enough, they'll forgive your failings and move forward.  If not, then perhaps you don't need them in your life in the first place.

Here's One for the Week-end

Just... let... go. Whatever you're hanging on to that doesn't support you or makes you feel negative. Let it go. It causes more pain for you than anyone else. Do it now!

That's it.

Have a good week-end.

Techniques That Work When Medication Fails

This week I've been enjoying reading "Teach Us to Sit Still" by Tim Parks. It's a really entertaining read with lots of humour as well as an account of his recovery from chronic pain due to prostatitis. If you know anyone with prostate issues or chronic pain, get them to read this book!

The story takes you through his initial experiences with tests and the offer of surgery for his condition, that the medical profession weren't entirely able to disagnose and then how, through relaxation and meditation techniques he found a cure for himself without undergoing medical treatment or surgery.

Obviously, there is a place for so-called 'traditional' medicine as well as alternative routes, but for anyone with pain or anyone who is having trouble getting a proper diagnosis, this may open your eyes to some new opportunities.

To further qualify the point, I want to share with you a recent insolicited review I received on my product "Pain Relief in a Box" which I received through my distributor, New World Music. It's not so much that I'm trying to sell my product (although I'm obviously delighted when I DO sell them!). I just want to illustrate the point of how effective these techniques are, which are often so easily dismissed as being a bit 'airy fairy' or 'mumbo jumbo'. Here's the review.

"I am an Osteopath & Naturopath. I recommended this CD (Pain Relief in a Box) to a patient of mine suffering from chronic back pain. She had made great progress with various therapies and exercise over the course of a year but it was still niggling with the fear of relapse. She has played this daily for a month and is so much happier in herself able to cope with work/marriage/driving and stress. She is much more confident about her back and even 'chilled'. Thank you. A GREAT product not just for pain but for general relaxation and wellbeing. I use iit myself!"

I'd share the users name, but I don't have it. New World Music however would verify that it is a genuine testimonial.

Most guided relaxations take only half an hour a day. If you make it a priority, you have time to do relaxation of this kind. I promise it will help you in ways you never imagined!

Let me know you number one issue with relaxation and your number one stressor in life on annie@breathingspacetherapies.com

Discussion: Could Our Collective Turmoil Be Causing Earthquakes?

My partner is currently in New York on a work project and felt yesterday's 5.8 earthquake which shook the Eastern Seaboard of the US.

I've thought about this a few times lately and wonder what you think? If Carl Jung is right in his theory about collective consciousness affecting our environment, could our current 24/7 manic lifestyle where many of us feel overwhelmed and out of control be affecting and overwhelming our planet?

I know it sounds bonkers, but before you reply, give it some thought.

I look forward to hearing your responses.

With love

Annie

Sometime You Just Have Tell It Like It Is!

Over the week-end we had an interesting development with some dear friends. I won't go into the whole story, but basically, a few weeks ago they had admitted an error and said they would put it right. The closer it got to the deadline, the less likely they seemed to do that.

Aware that we wanted to maintain our friendship, our communications were polite but avoided any direct accusations. Both parties skirted around the issues, but as time went on, my partner and I realised we just weren't being taken seriously.

In the end we just had to be direct and say "We want our stuff back". It got an icy reception, but we got our stuff back. We feel it's a shame it had to come to that. Whether we maintain a realtionship and whether we want to maintain it, we will all discover in the coming weeks.

Clearly there are two sides to every situation and clearly they have a very different perspective of what happened. But really, they're using attack as the best form of defence, knowing that what they did is difficult to excuse. In their embarrassment, they are trying to transfer blame. It's a form of manipulation.

When people start this kind of behaviour, it's good to recognise it as early as possible.

Many things came out of this episode for me, but one of them is that the softly, softly approach doesn't work with some people. Sometimes you just have to come out and say it and avoid getting dragged into long drawn-out conversations where nobody gets to the point.

Of course it's not the same for everyone and you have to recognise where it's appropriate. But where you face a relatively simple situation and people start playing games and trying to manipulate the situation, the easiest thing to do is put a halt to it and be direct and to the point.

If that doesn't work, maybe you just have to decide whether it's worth getting drawn into further game-playing and ending up in a game of 'tit for tat' which can be very damaging.

In a way, this goes back to the comments I was making in a previous post about people taking responsibility for their actions. This couple admitted they had made a mistake and could have rectified it immediately. Instead of which we've had a few very upsetting weeks for us and, no doubt, for them.

Time will tell if the relationship will survive, but in these situations one has also to ask whether you want to be quite so close in future to people who behave in this way. I'm a great believer in foregiveness, but also need to protect myself or understand the 'nature of the beast' better.

If you're facing a conflict:

Be clear about the facts and what you want to happen

Don't get drawn into accusation and counter accusation or into game playing

Recognise the character you're dealing with and adapt your communication style accordingly

Although it's difficult when you don't want to upset someone, sometimes it's better to be direct

Know when to back off

Ask yourself "Is it worth it?" If it's really important, fight your corner, if it's not so vital, perhaps it's better to let it go

Are You Playing the Blame Game?

I was thinking today about the situation with the recent riots around the globe.

The frustration of young people is understandable. These days 'job security' is a thing of the past, they have to pay increasingly large amounts to get a university education and if they get one, their qualification is now so prolific that they have to fight to be noticed. If they want to buy their own property, they have to work in exploitative situations to even get a chance of saving money. Add to that the people who left school with poor literacy and numeracy skills and who live in dangerous gang-ruled neighbourhoods and you can see why a lot of youngsters are feeling disenfranchised.

There's also of course, the situation relating to politicians and fat cats in business (especially banking it seems) who seem to be increasingly on the make, whilst they struggle. Their role models often seem to be eithe superficial or people who apparently don't care what they do, so long as they can spin their way out of taking responsibility and can be seen to be "successful". Never mind the moral issues at stake or social responsibility.

Having said all of that, rioting and looting is clearly not an accetable or constructive way of achieving anything and only places more power into the hands of those in charge.

After the riots, I heard a lot of interviews where people involved in the riots had blamed the police for being heavy-handed and said it was their fault. There are a lot of excuses bandied around for bad behaviour these days in our society.

But if the police were at fault, how does doing something that disrupts their own environment and the people around them help? Answer? It doesn't. As my Mum and Dad used to say "Two wrongs don't make a right".

One of the issues here is that there are always things that happen which appear to us as unfair or just downright wrong. That's life! But we always have a choice in how we react to these situations. Either we use them to do something positive or we fall into the blame game.

"It's not my fault" "He/she started it" and so on. Know what I mean?

If there's something that's hurt and upset us, we can choose to react violently and blame everyone else for our own misfortune. We can moan and not do anything. But this only gives away your power and passes it into the hands of the people you least want to give it to. It makes you weaker and puts you in a position of even further rejection and dissatisfaction.

On the other hand, you can choose to take your experience, however hurtful and disappointing and take responsibility for your own actions, by doing something positive to counter this negative feeling. Something which makes you feel better and which puts you in a position of control.

Of course, that means you have to DO something and you may have to admit to some mistakes of your own before you can move forward. For the youngsters involved in the riots for example, how could they have approached their situation more positively?

If they are afraid in their communities, they can form groups to work WITH the police and other security forces to help protect themselves. If they are illiterate and innumerate, they can seek teaching help from friends and others who know more than they do. If they want change, they can form organised pressure groups and so on, and so on. These may not change the world in the first day, but at least they'll be taking responsibility for their actions and doing something constructive to help themselves. And they're going to feel more powerful and more positive as a result.

The trouble with the blame game - not just in relation to the riots, but in everyone's daily life - is that it's a good way of relinquishing responsibility. When you blame everyone else, you don't have to be accountable for anything and you choose to give up your personal power, which is hardly likely to make you feel any better.

However, when you take your challenge and use it positively (think here, Christopher Reeve, Nelson Mandela, paralympists and so on), you put yourself in a position (however challenging) where you can make changes (however small) and start to make a difference, at least for yourself and amongst those around you. It then affects how you feel about yourself and your enthusiasm and energy can rapidly spread to other quarters.

Playing the blame game, creates MORE stress in your life and leaves you powerless.

When are YOU going to take charge? When will you STOP playing the blame game and get back in control?

Are You Disconnected?

I was walking on our local beach in Spain the other day. A lot of people do the same first thing in the morning and it's a really wonderful experience to be with nature in this way. What a great start to the day!

But what occurred to me in this lovely environment was that, as I approached other people on my walk, I smiled and wished them good morning. Very few responded at all. Those that did were friendly and the exchange brightened my day and I hope it did the same for them.

What caught my attention though, was that I could see that many people deliberately averted their eyes and walked past without making any contact whatsoever. Isn't that a bit odd, that when we see another human being, we don't acknowledge them? In the middle of London one might expect it, but here in our tiny coastal village!!!

It's highly unlikely that anybody here is going to mug you or do anything bad, so why do we so often disconnect ourselves in this way?

I know I've done it myself so I'm not being 'holier than thou' but, since I recognised it, I've made a deliberate effort to smile and acknowledge people when I pass them. When I get a response, it's really rewarding and raises my spirits.

In many ways, those of us who live in big cities, have already disconnected ourselves in many ways from nature, which stresses us out. We need time in nature to relax.

But we're also disconnecting ourselves from each other, which makes life more challenging and less pleasurable because we feel isolated. Clearly there's a bigger issue here about how society is also making whole sectors of the community feel unheard, but there's also the issue of taking personal responsibility to make things better and to change what we don't like.

Start making small changes when you're out walking, when you go into supermarkets or get on this bus. Say "Good morning" to the shop assistants or the bus driver or to people around you. Some may ignore you, but when you get a response, notice how much better you feel.

Start getting connected again. These are challenging times and we need to work together and to engage with each other to make changes for the better. It all starts with something as simple as a smile.

Are You Disconnected?